idiot!!!

I have done the most stupidest (yes - double extreme) thing. How could i let that sort of thing happen... i am a generally fair guy... too fair that i even incriminate myself in the vitue of fairness.. but what i did goes beyond me.

I have been selfish, self-centered... a jerk!!! in every essence of the word... that movie CLOSER definitely hit me and liberated me that i turned into the same TWISTED, DEMENTED, PSYCHOTIC person like the characters in the movie. I offer no excuse.. not even an explanation... yet fate really can be sooooo twisted, gruesome compounded by lies and honesty which both can be so brutal, damaging, sickening and downright barbaric.

i hope things change... or just maybe i can go back to my old self... always looking at the brighter side of things... thrown off by adversaries but easily bounces back and share happiness to the people around me... time to read the booklet my good friend anton gave me... "I can be happy if i wanted to" but what if i dont want to be happy? what if i dont deserve to be happy... what if i deserve to be miserable...

u have to be happy first to make other people happy... such a cliche'... that i have gone against.. i find happiness making other people happy... i find comfort putting everyone else's happiness ahead of me... now im in a downward cycle... not happy, cant make anyone happy, making me less happy til sooner or later i am no longer unhappy but downright sad, lonely and miserable.