WTF????

futile effort down the drain. TRUE FRIENDS NEVER GET IN YOUR WAY, UNLESS U HAPPEN TO BE GOING DOWN. you try to push a friend up, but she would rather let you carry her full weight, so what's the next best thing to do??

Pull the string it will follow you anywhere, Push it you'll never get anywhere!!! My mistake i guess for trying to motivate my friend with a "push". I would prefer to be under her instead of pulling her up (just in case the rope gives way, ill be able to catch my friend)but i guess too much convenience, too many safety nets make one complacent.

SUN TZU's Art of War puts it nicely, desperate men will fight to the death rather than be enslaved by the enemy so when uve trapped your enemy, give them an escape route not to let them run but to give them a false sense of freedom and escape.

I'm not a total advocate of the Art of War, yet in this case "BAHALA KA NA"

Exhausted!!!

full day yesterday. Went to makati to meet a friend - had a snack in brother's fort.. went to my cousins house and played with my pamangkins... three hyper kids running.. 7, 6 and 2 year old kids who never seem to run out of energy.

Amazingly, the youngest was the most hyper (he was like Macaulay Culkin in home alone running around the house...btw his name is kevin hahaha and he looks like him also...)running around all over the place. chasing her sister and cousin around, climbing on the bed.. jump up and down on the cushion, do a tumbling roll, shout like where in a rock concert.. eeeeeeeeeeeee, ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.. hahahahahaha...roll over and get off the bed.. run around the room again... while the adults just sat around crinching and twitching anticipating a loud cry when eventually someone gets knocked down.. tsugug..huwaaaa. huwaaaaa.. mamaaaa, dadeeeee, waaahhhhhh....

eventually the 3 stoogies were separated, 2 played chess... not my 2 year old nephew he might chew on the varnished chess pieces...he was given his feeding bottle after throwing a tantrum when he was separated from his playmates..

had to leave to pick up my aunt in Manila Hotel.. drove her home in our house in parañaque (she's balikbayan staying with us) then went to Las Piñas to attend my friends bday party...and the clincher? i went all the way back to Q.C. to bring home a friend... before i finally went home.

GRABEEEEEEEE...and i couldn't sleep.. was home around 2am.. but was up till 530am.. i heard breakfast being prepared coz my tito and tita and my parents are going to batangas. haaay... then i woke up around 11.. 5-1/2 hours of sleep... insomia....zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

WANTED - "DEAD or ALIVE"

"I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you"
- Numb - Linkin Park

had a nice chat with a good friend about not feeling anything... anger, love, fraustration... as usual nothing was resolved considering that it was a very trivial topic and a very subjective one.

but isn't it nice to have a time out from all the emotional strains and baggages that we have? at least once in a while? if it is, then it must be heaven to get rid of all those negative feelings. We then avoid the inconvenience of being emotionally drained renderring us useless because we are preoccupied with heartbreaking thoughts or because we loss sleep over the same thought that no amount of coffee can jerk us to life. hahaha... "a jerk/biatch kept us awake and no amount of coffee can jerk/bitchslap us to alertness after losing sleep" wat a bummer!!!!

are we actually "DEAD" walking around with no emotions at all, feeling nothing? but even more "ALIVE" because we get a (false) sense of freedom.. a perpetual time out from these emotions.

are we "ALIVE" because we carry these emotions with us but actually "DEAD" because the same emotions that make us feel alive render us incapable of living...

an irony or a paradox? or just a reality of this complicated world where our lives are deeply twisted and intertwined with one another making things more complicated. we are social animals... it's our nature.

Down but not out!!!!

Step by step, heart to heart, left right left
We all fall down like toy soldiers

Bit by bit torn apart We never win
But the battle wages on for toy soldiers

i keep falling down, i keep fighting a losing fight.. is being stubborn the same as perseverance? when should i quit and accept defeat, cut my loses... quit and run away so i can live to fight another day...

idiot!!!

I have done the most stupidest (yes - double extreme) thing. How could i let that sort of thing happen... i am a generally fair guy... too fair that i even incriminate myself in the vitue of fairness.. but what i did goes beyond me.

I have been selfish, self-centered... a jerk!!! in every essence of the word... that movie CLOSER definitely hit me and liberated me that i turned into the same TWISTED, DEMENTED, PSYCHOTIC person like the characters in the movie. I offer no excuse.. not even an explanation... yet fate really can be sooooo twisted, gruesome compounded by lies and honesty which both can be so brutal, damaging, sickening and downright barbaric.

i hope things change... or just maybe i can go back to my old self... always looking at the brighter side of things... thrown off by adversaries but easily bounces back and share happiness to the people around me... time to read the booklet my good friend anton gave me... "I can be happy if i wanted to" but what if i dont want to be happy? what if i dont deserve to be happy... what if i deserve to be miserable...

u have to be happy first to make other people happy... such a cliche'... that i have gone against.. i find happiness making other people happy... i find comfort putting everyone else's happiness ahead of me... now im in a downward cycle... not happy, cant make anyone happy, making me less happy til sooner or later i am no longer unhappy but downright sad, lonely and miserable.

stream of consciousness....

things have been very crazy this past week... depressingly chaotic!!!!

consulting projects have been slow, despite some good leads, none are solid yet... deals are still pending... still have to wait for clients to confirm...

job interviews have been ok...some solid leads are in process... hopefully i'll land a job.

business setting up has been rough... incorporation is unclear... setup cost has been soaring uncontrollably... thus my IRR is going down... unless i get creative and consider them sunk cost... then i dont have to include them in my valuation.

the house setting is getting crazier... with no househelp and with me being home most of the time... ive been the ranting board and the lucky recipient of complains from my mother...

my life is really going crazy... i have set my directions so well... doing my best to do the most that i can to improve my life yet a lot of outside forces percieves my effort as "nothing" and that i should shape up. haaayyy... what i percieve as strategic is percieved by others a mediocre and the pressure to just do what others want seem to be a good idea and will get people off my back... I need strength, patience. Amazingly, the advice i get are the same things that i am already doing... but since its invisible to most, it's perceived as a waste of time... it's like forces want me to grow old so fast.. though i admit i am not getting any younger and with really no personal accomplishment that i can call mine.

all my qualifications are in paper, good credentials yet no solid performance to back it up...its getting darker, the light at the end of the tunnel is flickering... and if does seem to get closer and closer... i hope its not a subway train heading straight at me