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ommission = deception?

whether intentional or accidental, regardless of the case.. the question is always the motive. conveniently leaving out details for a self-serving purpose... back at you... now i know.

on a need to know basis? maybe.. but out of politeness, transparency is a must at the very least.

felt like an idiot, and nobody bothered correcting me... saving me from the discomfort or the sting of the truth? at that instant.. maybe its acceptable but afterwards, i deserve to know... maybe this people don't give me enough respect or credit to handle facts, no matter how painful or devasating it may be.

is it insulting my intelligence? yes...
was i mislead?... a matter of perception, depends on what is known
am i jerk for acting pissed? am i an ass for being grouchy? when i am no one and in no position to make demands.

beck and call? still i don't know, soooo abusingly selfish
so who knows the truth? me and you... your friends know barely half the story... half the truth... whole lies? ommission = deception? for a self-serving purpose.

and i leave... turn around and walked away... surely your friends will think i'm a jerk... that i wasn't serious at all... that what i gave you or how i treated you was simply a thing i do regularly, on a daily basis.

sadly the truth to come out will compromise your reputation, your dignity, "pagkababae" ika nga... thanks to your good for nothing non-commital imaginary boyfriend, who could have been a gentleman and stop being with you if he won't commit at all... leaving you a topic of discussion when an opportune time presents itself... damaging rumors... grapevine of what could really be happening or not.

maybe i'll take the fall, for your sake, it may be the kind thing to do... not out of pity but out of my respect for you, maybe that forsaken love... respect is all i wanted in return, reciprocity could have been great.

so i'll be the jerk, a player... let them think that. i've been judged, condemned before from perceptions based on incomplete fact... i'll forget we kissed, i'll forget the passion, the things we've done, even if you never became mine... i'll convince myself that this things meant something to you, that it was not superficial, a convenient platonic-cim-plutonic relationship for you... that will be our private secret... coz what will that make out of you when the stench of the truth reeks out from the closet... it was supposed to be a wonderful fragrance of passion and affection.

i beg that you don't provoke me... that you randomly throw side comments my way to put me on the spot infront of everyone, acting like nothing happend.. acting like i am not hurting... don't show me how unaffected you are, when you tell me you are... don't pretend to my face, that equates to deceit and i never let deception get away on the spot... a get even... that i beg you

so i guess that's it... i love you - goodbye!!!

Eat you words

time and time again, i said that "enough is enough", i am not going to let you do this to me... but where do i end up?? eating my own words.

so make your words soft and tender, one day you might have to eat them.

Are we clear??...

Crystal... YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!! well i can... especially when it's simply understood. Yes, could be pressumptious, i might even be reading between the lines... i never do learn from person to person, but i am a quick study on the same person.

Mixed emotions are just too much to handle. Anger? devastation? disgust? angst? relief? depression? betrayal? each has to be dealt with in different way which when you handle one, will alleviate the others temporarily while aggravating the rest. One time big time, face it head on. All at the same time.. Wait, let's do this rationally like civilized human beings... there's no need to fight... let's not get violent.. NO! let's... ohhh just bring it!!!

Once the smoke clears and the dust settles, i may come out in ruins, huwaaasaak, jaded, hell since people know that i have openly and verbally admitted my feelings and the rest of the story was conveniently left out...once i move on... it seems like i wasnt serious at all. I am never really good at tests like this, if i am actually being tested. So i really dont give a shit if i fail and what people will think.

Deep Brown Eyes

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

"Behind These Hazel Eyes" -Kelly Clarkson

Self destruction is not an option, not anymore. There's too much at stake and it's too early in the "game". My first job after college I screwed 'coz i was screwed!! Now i'm in my first job after grad school and I won't screw it up. Not when I am enjoying every single thing that I do.

The effects of a platonic cum PLUTOnic "whatever" will not distract my focus in laying down the foundation of my future. Selfish as it may seem, the future I am building is not my own alone, but also to the woman - whoever she is or wherever she might be, whether i've already met her or not - who I might spend the rest of my life with (that is if I ever plan to commit)*snort*

I feel much more mature now than before, of course that should be the case, otherwise tumatanda ako ng paurong...

so, i may be torn again, but i can pick up the pieces and put things back together with ease... the advantage of being "there" before.. i know where the pieces go. "to hell and back"... but you'll never see the suffering, the pain... in my chinky deep brown eyes.

Better Days!!!!

I get up, shower go to work...work... go home... an everday routine. Pretty boring without the details... details that bore us all the time.. hah details!!! so we say... but it is what keeps me sane.

I get up, send a gud am SMS to firewoman, get a message back --> :)

I shower, send another SMS to firewoman, get a message back --> :)

In the office, i email her -- she replies --> :)

during the day when i see her, in the elevator, the lobby, in starbucks, she throws a smile - -> :)

i talk to her on the phone - -> :)

before i go home i sometimes get a hug - -> :)

amazing how this little details change the dullness of my everyday work life, not that my work is dull, in fact it is so exciting and challenging but the monotony comes with the routine not with the work.. and these little details make me wanna look forward to the next day... uh-oh and when i get home - we exchange SMS and sometimes chat on the phone --- > :) hahaha.. babaw... now why will i look for better days...???